13 reasons why Cartman killed himself
by heartattackkkkk
Summary: Cartman takes his own life. Two weeks after his tragic death, a classmate Kyle finds a mysterious box on his porch. Inside the box are recordings made by Cartman in which he explains the 13 reasons why he decided to commit suicide. If Kyle listens to all the recordings, he will find out how he made it on the list. And how the other boys did, too. And girls.
1. Chapter 1

_Kyle_

I never would've thought Cartman would kill himself. Sure, he had put a gun to his head when Heidi wanted to break up with him, but he didn't actually do it. He just didn't want Heidi to be the one to break up with him, but he wasn't actually going to kill himself.

But then again, he had asked Heidi to keep it private and she didn't. We all laughed at him and I told him that he sounded like a dying cow. He just crossed his arms while we were laughing at him in the bathroom, telling us how it wasn't cool to listen to people's private voicemails. Anyway, what was I supposed to think? I was the one who wanted Cartman to go to Somalia so badly that one time. I hated him, but I couldn't help but feel responsible for his death. There wasn't a simple explanation for it. Sure, we were bullies, but so was Cartman.

It seemed, as time went on, that Cartman just kept getting worse and there was nothing we could do about it.

_Hey guys, it's Cartman. Eric Cartman. That's right, from whatever device you're hearing this on. It's me. Live and in stereo. Get a snack. Settle in. Because I'm about to tell you the story of my life. Or, more specifically, why my life ended._

"What the hell are you doing?" Token asked me at his locker.

"Nothing. I was just-"

"Looking for something?" He asked.

"What would I be looking for?" I asked.

"You tell me." He said.

"Guys. Second bell." The teacher said.

Then Token said to me, before going to class, "You're not that innocent, Kyle. I don't give a shit what he says."

"Token, let's go. Get to homeroom." The teacher said.

I looked over at him.

"You too, Kyle." He said.

There was an empty desk where Cartman was supposed to be sitting. The teacher was talking about ways to get help if somoene needed it, but of course nobody had listened to Cartman, until he killed himself. It was different than him just going away for a while to Somalia, because he was never coming back to school.

Token raised his hand. "Uh, is it possible we can just be done with all of this? It's been over a week. Isn't it possible we can move on?" He asked.

"Are you kidding?" Heidi said out loud.

Everyone looked at Token as if he shouldn't have said that, and the fact I thought nobody would care if Cartman died, was not accurate mainly because school was so different without him. He would've been taking my pencil and flicking it across the room by now just to piss me off, but he wasn't doing that because he was dead.

And I hadn't been called Jew in over a week.

"Dude, we're never done with it!" I spat at him. "If we're never done with racism, we're never done with suicide!"

Token didn't know what to say to that.

"Dude, chillax." Stan said. "Token's right. I don't want to keep being reminded of it all the time. It's depressing."

"Well, that's a little ironic, Stan." I said.

I wasn't going to argue with Stan anymore, though, but I was going to have a talk with him after class because he was the one who had said "fuck you" to my face when he had gotten depressed. Was it my fault for suddenly wanting to care about someone who had gotten depressed, even if it were Cartman? Had he seen a doctor before all this like Stan had?

"We're never done with it," the teacher piped in, "which is why we might need to know the signs that someone you care for might need help."

"Eric said he was gonna kill himself one time." Heidi said. "At the time, he was really manipulative and abusive to me, so I didn't believe him. I guess he got mad when I didn't keep the voicemail private, so he never thought he could open up to me again. How was I supposed to know he was thinking about killing himself again?" She asked.

"It's not your fault, Heidi." Stan said. "We all laughed at Cartman. Even if he didn't seem like he cared about his friends, he did in ways that were subtle, like gently bullying us. And we're guys so we can handle it. I think we're all just stunned. Right, Kyle?" He asked and looked at me.

"We're guys so we can handle it?" Wendy quoted. "Stan, did you really just say that?"

Sheesh.

"I was just-"

I cut Stan off. "Yeah, right, dude." I said. "We're all just stunned. Suicide isn't funny. And we need to talk about it."

Cartman's voicemail played in my head. _You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be deeaad._ And he was dead. How was I supposed to live with myself?

"Good for you, Kyle." Butters said. "And Stan! I miss Eric, too."

"Well, it's not good for me, Butters." I said. "I'm not sure how I'm supposed to live with myself. We all laughed at him, but now even if it's someone like Cartman, I'm never going to laugh at them if they want to kill themselves because they might actually do it and I'll feel responsible. Guys, we need to start raising actual awareness. Cartman was right. Nobody gives a crap about distracted driving, and if someone else is already being raised of awareness, suicide is more important and we can put a hold on it. Cartman's life was at stake and none of us knew! How is that?! Heidi, you used to date Cartman!"

"I know, Kyle." Heidi said. "I told you. It had nothing to do with me this time, but ever since I shared his private voicemail, I guess he just got more and more private about it to the point that nobody noticed. Because suicide isn't funny, right?"

Had Cartman been withdrawing from friends and family ?No, but maybe he didn't do that because then it would've been obvious and we'd just laugh in his face. Was there a change in his appearance? Kind of. He looked like he wasn't sleeping a lot lately, but I didn't really care at the time.

The bell went off.

"Remember, guys," the teacher said, "to all be kind to each other."

We all got up from our desks, put our backpacks over our shoulders and headed out of class.

"Fucking Jew." Stan said next to me when we left class.

"Dude, what the hell?!" I asked.

"I'm sorry. I...just thought you missed that, Kyle." He said.

"Dude! That's not what I miss!" I said.

"Then what do you miss, Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Look. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were depressed, Stan." I said. "Is that what you wanted to hear? I know you've held a grudge for me about that ever since. And I know it was wrong about me, and I know we're still super best friends, but even if it's Cartman...well, I do miss him a little. We've been through a lot together."

"Yeah, whatever, Kyle. It's shitty, but I don't wanna talk about it. I'm gonna go have lunch with Wendy." He said.

"Uh, okay, dude."

Stan then left. When I walked into the cafeteria, I sat next to Heidi.

"Hey, Heidi." I said. "You're looking better."

"You mean not fat? Hey, Kyle." She said. "You haven't really said a word to me since you and Cartman broke up with me. What's up?" She asked.

"Yeah. I know. I know it was shitty." I said. "But I wanted to ask you if you've listened to the tapes."


	2. Chapter 2

_AN- Someone said South Park isn't that dark, when 1. Cartman literally fed his half-brother his parents, 2. Stan literally was depressed and got Assburgers and 3. Kyle killed Jesus. Obvs, they're not a fan._

_Anyway..._

_Kyle_

Oh boy. Of course I said the wrong thing. What shocked me in all of it was how Cartman had a girlfriend before me. How the hell did Cartman have a girlfriend before me?

"Heidi, I mainly haven't said a word to you since Cartman and I broke up with you because you called me a dirty Jew. Remember?" I reminded her.

After school, I rode my bike over to the park. I sat there for a while and Stan came up to me.

"Hey, Kyle." Stan said.

"Hey." I said. "Dude, are you following me?" I asked.

"No. Is that my walkman?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said. "I, uh-"

"No sweat." Stan said. "You're listening too, huh? Just be careful while you're riding. You don't want to hurt yourself."

"You're right. Thanks, dude." I said.

I was sitting in the park that Heidi and Cartman sat at together when they were together. I couldn't believe they were so romantic, especially since Cartman was such an asshole. But she told me he was great when they were alone. I wondered if that was really true.

Sure, I was on the tape, but who wouldn't have believed Cartman was Skankhunt24? All the girls accused him of sexually harassing people online, but I should've remembered that Cartman hated sexual harassers, especially since he had helped me when Ike was dating his teacher. They were wrong. And it was my dad. Heidi even quit Twitter because of it. That was the one time Cartman was proven innocent.

Them both not having social media was what had gotten them to connect. They became friends and he told me he saw a vagina. They began a romantic relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend and it made me feel weird.

The tape I was listening to at the moment was about Heidi.

_Heidi, I know I used to be nice to you. I never really knew how to be nice but I knew I had to be nice to my girlfriend. Kyle once told me, "That's not being nice. That's just putting on a nice sweater." Because it was just much easier to be offensive, to say whatever I felt or thought. We used to sit at the park and talk for hours but the thing was, I didn't want you to feel bad for me. And I was hurt. I was the victim. I couldn't see past that because that's how people like me work, they never change. Kyle also said that. But you were also the first person who pointed the gun at me. Called me a piece of shit, that it was all my fault. Maybe it was. I did control you. I did manipulate you. But I didn't grab the gun. You also broke up with me. That was the first time I pointed the gun at myself. I made jokes about killing myself before, sure, but when no one chanted that they didn't want me dead? I even said, "I will kill myself," but did anyone care? No, they just cared more about the president._

Stan sat on the bench with me then.

"Who's tape are you reading?" He asked.

"The one where he talks about Heidi."I said.

"Oh boy." He said. "Dude, I really wasn't expecting Heidi to pull the gun on Cartman like that, even if he was a piece of shit."

"So, you don't miss Cartman at all, Stan?" I asked.

"Honestly, dude, I'm surprised you do." He said. "Night, Kyle. Take care of yourself."

Then he walked away and I was left alone in the park with Cartman's tapes.


	3. Chapter 3

_Kyle_

"PC Principal wants to see me about Cartman." I said.

_You guys made fun of my weight. You made me feel ashamed. Remember? When you ganged up on me and said I was fat? All I was doing was my job as a food critic. Why does everyone have to fucking call someone fat? It pisses me off. If only a little more people were stoked on me then maybe I wouldn't be dead. Do you know what it's like for the Internet to make fun of you? If I wanted to put pictures of me up on social media, I could!_

"Uh-huh." Stan said.

FLASHBACK

"So, did you get to first base, Stan?" Kenny asked.

"Shut up, dude. I'm not saying anything." Stan said.

Kenny then had taken Stan's phone which was a picture of Wendy with her underwear showing.

Cartman's mouth went wide open when he saw that. "What a whore." He said.

"See?" Stan said. "That's exactly why I don't want you guys looking at my phone! My girlfriend is not a whore. She sent that picture to me."

"Uh-huh." Cartman said.

"That's hot." Kenny said. "We're sending that shit around."

"No, Kenny, stop!" Stan said.

But he sent it. We were all laughing. We weren't really thinking about what would happen if we sent the school pictures of Wendy in her underwear.

"You gonna hit that again?" Kenny asked Stan in class.

"Sure." Stan said.

Heidi looked at her phone when she received the picture and said out loud, "Oh my god, Stan." She looked at him. "Why would you send that?"

Wendy had her head down in class and she was obviously aware that something was going on.

Stan just shrugged his shoulders and then said, "Dude. Come on. You showed your vagina to Cartman. What's the big deal?" He asked.

"Shut up, you guys." Cartman laughed. Then he flipped Heidi the bird and she glared at him and ignored him.

"Ugh, that fat fucking bastard betrayed him," I heard Heidi whisper to the girls.

_I can't believe I fucking turned into him, Kyle,_ she had said to me one time, ashamed of herself at that moment.

Heidi hated Cartman ever since they broke up, because she trusted him and he just called her a whore. So Cartman wasn't the victim, even if that's how he saw himself most of the time or all of the time.

"Whatever. Your body is totally hot now." Bebe encouraged her.

NOW

"He sees Cartman as a victim because he killed himself." I told Stan.

"Well, dude, a lot of people on social media did call him names." Stan said.

"I didn't think he'd care! He usually thrives on stuff like that." I said. "But maybe he got sick of it. I'll take the detention if I have to. I owe that to him. I didn't really see how body-shaming really was."

"Yeah. How is hell right now do you think?" Stan asked.

"I bet it sucks, dude." Kenny said.

"Yeah. Probably." I said. "But I'm a Jewish, so I'm not going to Hell."

_You guys are the one's who had the fucking problem. Kyle, you didn't even care that I was dealing with body-shaming. I wasn't going to let the bullies get me off social media. That meant they won. And fuck them. I wanted you to make a safe space for me. I did mean it when I said you were perfect, Kyle. That you're good at getting your school work done. I wanted you to run my Twitter and Yelp accounts and only give me the good comments. What did you say? No. And now I'm dead._

Cartman's tape was going over in my head.

Detention over Cartman killing himself? That seemed like a pretty good deal. I knew Cartman was angry over the body-shaming thing, because if he stayed on social media then it was never going to go away. He could either kill someone or himself. Maybe if he were nice, I wouldn't have called him fatass all the time, but I wasn't so sure since we were all foul-mouthed.

I walked up to Token during school.

"What the hell, Token?" I said to him.

"Hey, Kyle." He said.

"How do you fit into all of this?" I asked. "Why are you on the tapes? Someone told me you were. Did you help him?"

"No." He said.

"Then how the hell-"

He cut me off. "Listen to the tapes, Kyle. Cartman wanted it done like this. I will say one thing, though: Honey Boo Boo, Kyle."

"Honey Boo Boo?" I asked, confused but then I remembered. "Oh shit."

Because that must've been _humiliating_.


	4. Chapter 4

_Kyle_

"Yeah, Kyle. Honey Boo Boo." Token said.

That was the first time Cartman finally admitted he was fat, even if it was just to get a mobility scooter which he didn't even need. Not at that moment, at least...Cartman, in the tapes, had bitched about Heidi and now he was starting to bitch about me. I wanted to skip over to the tape when he bitched about Token, and how he fit into all of this, but I already got my answer from him.

Honey Boo Boo. That stupid documentary Token made about him, about a fat child killing himself without being aware of it, while Token narrated it and called him chubby without any shame. I honestly felt bad for Cartman when I watched it, especially the name: Fatty Doo Doo.

"Just be glad he didn't live to be fat enough to not even be able to walk down an aisle and get his candy." He said.

Wow. That was exactly what I had said, but at the time, it was okay to rip on Cartman because he was alive. It just seemed so wrong now, especially since Token was basically saying he should be dead if he didn't want to be fat enough to not even be able to walk down an aisle and get his candy.

"Token, believe me, I know more than any of us what a monster Cartman was," I said, "but isn't saying that now kind of...I don't know, fucked up?"

"Yeah. Now it's fucked up, Kyle. Now it's fucked up." He said.

"Well, you're the one who didn't tell me the truth about that documentary!" I retorted.

"Whatever, Kyle." Token said. "I'll see you around."

And then he walked away. All these years of me calling Cartman fat, and him living in denial…

God, the shame was really hitting me now.

His stupid bitching on his recordings kept playing in my head. I had turned the tape over for more.

_You know what I'm really gonna miss? Candy cane Oreos. Won't be able to eat them anymore because I'm dead. Kyle, I know all you were trying to tell me was that I was fat. And I know I was. I was fucking fat as fucking fuck. I was tired of living like some slug who couldn't even leave his house cause he couldn't get around. I mean, I didn't want to live that way. I didn't want to get that way. So I finally did something about it, Kyle. You don't understand how embarrassing it was to live with obesity. You made me feel different, like less of a person-I bet you feel so much shame now, huh? You can go to Disneyland as much as you want now, but not me...At least you won't get shamed. So thank you, asshole, for putting me through all the daily ridicule. Now you're listening to this tape, I bet. _

"I should've just let him take a dump in my house." I said to Stan.

"And I should've not made it so easy for Kenny to send a picture of my girlfriend in her underwear around to the whole school. Dude, what are you talking about?" He asked.

"Cartman." I said. "I always thought it was his obesity that was going to kill him, Stan."

"And I thought my assburgers were going to kill me, too, Kyle," Stan said, "but we don't always know the ending to someone's story. Cartman was an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! And it looks like the trash took itself out. He was gonna die eventually and you know it! Either from all that Red Bull and Mountain Dew or something else. At least he's not walking all over you anymore, right?"

"Yeah. I guess you're kinda right." I said.

Cartman wasn't walking all over me anymore, because he was dead. Just on the tapes. And we were all paying the price.

But I didn't know what to do. I hated Cartman with all my heart, but for some strange reason, it was kind of empty and hollow without him. Was it wrong to feel good when someone you hated died, like everyone in school seemed to feel? Was it wrong to hate someone after they were dead?


	5. Chapter 5

"Mr. Garrison?" I asked him after class.

"Yeah, Kyle?" He asked.

"Is it wrong to hate someone after they are dead?" I asked. "My conscience has been bothering me ever since Cartman died."

Why was I even caring if it was wrong to hate Cartman after he was dead? Right now, he'd probably just be calling me a dirty Jew anyway and finding some reason to call my mom a bitch and stupid. And I definitely wasn't missing that.

"Your conscience?" He asked.

"Yes." I said.

"Kyle, don't let your conscience tell you what to do." He said to me.

In fact, I was pretty sure Cartman had never let his conscience tell him what to do, but I couldn't ignore my conscience. It was my conscience!

"As for your friend…" He thought about it for a moment and then said, "Well, he was vile trash, but wondering if it's wrong to hate someone after they are dead? Uh, Kyle, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot poll."

"Mr. Garrison, whenever Stan or I ask you anything, you never touch anything with a twenty-foot poll." I said.

"Yeah, because you ask me questions like this Kyle. And your little friend Stan asked me one time if it was okay to kill someone if they wanted you to." He said.

"Yeah. He did." I said.

"Well, I said I'm not touching that one with a twenty poll so would you get out of my classroom?" He asked.

"Sure, Mr. Garrison." I said.

Then I walked out and began to mull over myself in the hallway.

"Hey, dude." Stan said. "What's the matter, Kyle?"

"Hey, Stan." I said. "My conscience is bothering me."

"Dude. My conscience was bothering me, too, but...Remember when my grandpa wanted to die?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said. "So?"

"Well, you were the one who said that a person had the right to die if they wanted to. Didn't you?" He asked.

"Yeah, but-"

"But nothing." Stan said. "I don't want you feeling sorry for Cartman, Kyle. Remember when I got assburgers?" He asked.

"Of course I do." I said. "I felt like a shitty friend for not hanging out with you just because you were depressed, Stan."

"It's alright, dude, but I'm here for you." He said.

"Thanks, dude." I said. "And I guess someone does have the right to die if they want to but I don't want you to end up like me over this. You're my buddy and you always will be."

"No, Stan. I'm fine. I'm not gonna be lame and start drinking over this. It's just Cartman and he was a dick to me, and I was a dick to him, but it just sucks he's gonna be missing the new Terrance and Phillip episode this week." I said.

"I know, dude." He said.

So far I had listened to Cartman bitch about Heidi, me, about how we had all made him feel ashamed for his weight, even though he persisted that all he was doing was his job as a food critic, and so all there was left for me to do was go home and listen to the next tape.

_Token, the next tape is for you. I'm sorry I gave you the code name blackie when all of us were looking for the leprechaun. But without my help, you would've never gotten together with Nichole, right? And thanks to Cupid Me._

Oh, there he was talking about Cupid Me again, whoever Cupid Me was...Even after his death, Cartman still managed to be a racist piece of shit.

_Even though Kyle said that blacks don't belong together. That just because two people are the same race doesn't mean that they belong together. Kyle has called me racist a lot in the few years I've known him. But what about that one time when he got surgery to look like a tall, black player because Jews can't play ? Anyway, Token, you should feel ashamed of that documentary you made and not just because you're not white but because you were making money off me and didn't even get me the credit! Plus, it was all Kyle's fault for wanting to raise awareness on obesity or whatever. Token, you should feel shame for what you did. Kyle always thought you were a good kid, but I guess he was wrong. You should've felt ashamed for taking advantage of me. If you made money off me, I should've made money off me, too! And now my heart gave out. You violated my civil rights and-_

"Whatcha doin?" My mom asked me when she came into my room.

I quickly turned the tape off and turned around. "Jesus, ma-"

"I didn't mean to scare you, Kyle. You were just so lost in that-what are you listening to?"

"Nothing. . It's boring." I said.

"Kyle, called today. About Eric Cartman." She said.

"I told you, ma. I didn't really like Cartman." I said. "He made fun of me all the time for my religion."

Yet I couldn't stop feeling responsible for his death.

"But didn't you guys hang around him all the time?" She asked.

"Yeah, ma, but it wasn't like we ever really invite him to hang out with us. He was just kind of...there. Anyway-" I got up "-I'm gonna go pay my respects to Ms. Cartman."

"Okay, Kyle." She said. "Come back in time for your stew."

"I will, ma." I said.

Then I rushed out the door and over to Cartman's house. Or, rather, Ms. Cartman's house since Cartman wasn't around anymore. I knocked on the door and then rang the bell.

She opened it and said, "Oh, hello, Kyle."

"Hi, Ms. Cartman." I said. " I just wanted to see how you were doing. It's just so weird not seeing Cartman show up for school anymore."

"Oh, I'm alright, Kyle. Do you want to come in?" She asked.

"Sure." I said.

I was sure Ms. Cartman loved her son, even if most of us didn't.

"Would you like some tea?" She asked.

"I don't really drink tea." I said.

"Chocolate milk?" She asked.

"Sure." I said. "I like chocolate milk."

"You know," she said, "Eric was always telling me about how much he loved his little friends."

Really? It didn't seem that way.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes." She said. "But in the past few months, he had been suffering from some kind of emotional distress."

I couldn't tell when Cartman was suffering from emotional distress, especially since we all knew something was wrong with him already.

"Cartman, suffering from some kind of emotional distress? How come?" I asked.

"Well, I think it mostly has to do with his father again." He said. "I should honestly blame myself. I mean, I was young and naive back then...And now Jack's dead, and Eric..."

"Please, Ms. Cartman. Don't cry." I comforted her. "You must still have videotapes of him, right?"

"Yes, Kyle. Thank you." She said. "Would you like to stay for dinner and have some beef roast, too?"

"I said to my ma-" But then I stopped and said, "Sure. Just tell my ma."

"Okay, Kyle." She said and then downed a very tall flask of beer after she had gotten me my chocolate milk.

Then I ended up spending the whole night with Ms. Cartman.


End file.
